Monday, September 1, 2008

Day 24 - it's not only physical

It took me about 5 days to recover from the cold. I'm not losing as much weight per week anymore and my energy level is acceptable. On the other hand my mouth is very soar and my skin around the neck starts hurting and bleeding.

The therapy is heading into it's last third and as it does I suddenly start realizing how little  mental energy I've left. Every little mental noise is getting at me as if it was amplified. I'm not stress proven anymore. Living with me must have become harder for my loved ones. My 4 1/2 year old daughter and my wife (a few days away from giving birth to our second child) are paying their tolls. That's not fair and I'm trying to fight it. I'm meditating. One of my themes is compassion for others but quite frankly I often feel empty. How can I feel compassion if I'm empty. From time to time I would like to escape all social activities. 

All the discussions at the beginning with the experts where about the side effects, the duration, technicalities and logistics. Very little went into the mental aspect. Of course everyone tells you this is heavy stuff but no one can tell you exactly what is happening. 

Why is it heavy? What makes it heavy? As you might know one cannot feel anything during the radiation itself. It's like an insensible plague. I understand that the DNA of healthy and unhealthy cells are being altered but I don't understand how much energy and what kind of energy that takes. It would really help me if I could understand more but I'm not a medical expert and I don't have the energy to become one. 

No comments: